theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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