I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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