I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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