I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
