There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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