So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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