Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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