I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
