she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
