I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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