My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
