I need to stop coming to work sober
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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