And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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