you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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