I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
pop tarts are not kleenex
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I need a beard to bite.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
