she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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