I accidentally had phone sex last night
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
