i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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