Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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