OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
