WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
