someone threw a dead crab at me
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
