Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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