My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
