she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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