Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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