I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
