P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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