the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
