i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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