Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
