when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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