I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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