My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
