I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
