the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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