Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
