Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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