im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
