I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
