I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
