There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
