Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
