i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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