redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
