got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
