saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
