Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
