I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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