i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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